There are people in this world who don’t believe in fate, or destiny, or gusts of wind that guide you. I…am not particularly one of those people.
People will, however, tell you that I’m really quite instinctual. I sometimes know things before anyone else knows them…and I can’t ever really explain why or how — I just do. I don’t know that I necessarily believe in “fate” or “destiny” — but these gusty winds that guide you? Well, if you listen…they’re there. And I know that because I’m here.
I don’t go looking for signs – just like I don’t go looking for trouble.
Somehow? They just find me.
Eight Years ago today…is when I first allowed the winds to take control. Mostly…because I was too weak and tired and drained to – really – do anything but be led and trust that it was to somewhere better. I sat there a few nights after the 10th of April, writing a Eulogy – under dimmed kitchen lights, as 20 family members were sleeping in all parts of my house – quietly crying. Desperately struggling for any words that would come together and make an ounce of sense. And that’s when I first heard the gusts of wind.
It was the first time, after she had left, that I felt her there with me. And just like that – pen went to paper, words streamed out of me faster than the tears, I didn’t dare crumple another sheet of paper – and a Eulogy was written…for my sister Kellie. Who just days before that one, had died.
I said it then, and I’ve held true to it since — Kellie is like the wind. Sometimes a cool breeze that rolls in off the coast to keep you at the beach just a little bit longer, grasping to moments that you don’t want to end…and other times? A complete hurricane that’d tear each shingle off your roof, one by one, as you watched in disbelief. Unpredictable, at best — my sister always had you guessing. And that’s pretty much how these days tend to be.
I never know quite how to explain these days to people – especially those who weren’t around 8 years ago today. I never know if they care to know, or if they’ll just sit there and feel sorry for me — which, really. Is genuinely the opposite of what I want. I pretty much hate the fact that in telling Kellie’s Story…I’ve made my fair share of people cry. Yet. It’s a story I know needs to be told…as many times as people will let me tell it. Because I want so desperately for you to understand — we only have here & now.
I don’t want to hear your excuses – I just want you to live your life.
These days – for the record – are numbing, and fiercely uncontrollable. One minute I could be laughing hysterically — the next? Completely lost in a moment — when one tiny, random, nearly missed detail will cause me to wander back into 2004…when she was still here. And somewhere in my mind as those scenes play — scenes I so intensely cling to? I can hear the shattering stillness of a clock ticking…because I know what’s coming. Eventually…we’ll run out of time. We all do.
And just like that…I’m back to here & now.
And here & now is…somewhat magical.
It’s hard to be sad or devastated on these days, though…because all that being said? I know how good I’ve got it. I know – like you would not believe – how insanely LUCKY I really am. To have had another day, to be a part of such an incredible family, to get the chance to live this life right – and, of course – to live it out loud.
I am grateful – and even that word seems far too small – for the people who keep me in their lives daily. They are the people who text me silly pictures, who call to tell me a crazy story, who are up for random adventures – who make ANYTHING a random adventure – and who, genuinely, are just as thrilled that I’m in their lives as they are in mine. They are my secret keepers, my late night phone chats, and those who dare to explore this crazy life with me. They challenge me, call me out when I’ve gone too far, pick me up when I’ve fallen down, and more often than not? They are the ones who make me laugh until I cry. They are my biggest fans, as I am theirs – and they are the ones who “get” this, the ones who keep me going…the ones who WANT to be here…and that SAYS something, because none of them have to be. None of them had to be here…and yet, they are the people who have etched their way into my heart.
I can not change what happened – no one can. I can’t change how much it hurts, how much it’s going to hurt, or even how and when I’ll get lost in those little moments…the last few moments I had with her. But…I can do something about today. And so I choose to find the silver linings. I seek out the pretty sunsets. And I treasure the moments I still have with those here & now. I want it all…and I know it starts today.
It is of no coincidence to me…that in all the moments – the big, the little, the crazy – that I’ve had since 8 Years Ago Today? There’s seemingly always been a constant. I have never looked for them, but they’ve always appeared, out of nowhere and more than randomly – like clockwork – The Butterfly is never seemingly too far away from me, and that is something that I cannot ignore. Because I know it means that she is still here…still happy, still showing – to me, at least – that everything happens for a reason. ♥
ps: It’s an entirely true story that these butterflies ALSO stick around juuuuust long enough to let me grab one – maybe two photos of them – never any more. It’s also NOT an entirely odd thing to see me “chasing” a butterfly that’s caught my eye in hopes that it’s one of the photogenic kind.
SO MANY women came out this year — and listen, the photo says it all — but they were ALL gorgeous ladies, even MORE SO when they went bald!! ♥
Ohhhh, yes. This.Happened.
Quite possibly one of my FAVORITES from the day…this lil’ guy was just LOVING life while dancing to some music atop his dad’s shoulders! ♥
♥ Casie {kay-cee; KC}
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